1 in 3 employees have experienced domestic abuse during the past 12 months.

Employers have a unique role to play in responding to domestic abuse – it can happen to anyone and it is everyone’s business.

When Bethan and her abusive ex-partner decided to co-parent his behaviour got worse, affecting her relationship with her children and eventually taking a toll on her work.

When I spilt up from my ex-partner, it was extremely difficult on our children. I knew I could no longer be with such an abusive person but I didn't want my children to suffer. I knew it was important for them to still have time with their dad so I tried to co-parent. We had an arrangement order through the family courts but he broke it on multiple occasions.

Every Wednesday he would return the children late – sometimes bringing them back at 9 or 10pm. I would message him to ask what was happening and if they were okay, reminding him of the agreed drop off time. But he would constantly ignore my messages.

I realised he was using the children as a way to continue his power and control over me. He was turning the blame onto me and making me feel guilty!

The children would be exhausted in the morning so it was always a struggle getting them to school on time. It wasn't long before the school called me in to ask why they were arriving late. If the school questioned him, he blamed me, telling them "maybe she can’t cope with the children if she can’t get them to school on time".

I realised he was using the children as a way to continue his power and control over me. He was turning the blame onto me and making me feel guilty! One time he told the children that he would be returning home and that I would be moving out. The children were worried and anxious and kept asking if I was going to leave them. They said to me: “What if we never see you again mummy?”.

At this point my son was also becoming reluctant to go to school. He used to love school but suddenly he didn't want to go. When I asked him why, he would cling on to me and say he missed me and didn't want to leave me. I think he was worried because of what his dad had been telling him and thought he might not see me again. My daughter’s grades also began to fall and the teachers noticed she was not engaging as much in class or with her friends.

Things got so bad that my ex would refuse to hand over the children's uniform, school books and homework if I didn't agree to his demands. The children would spend all night feeling anxious about getting in trouble at school or being told off for not bringing their homework in. They told me they felt so embarrassed and humiliated by what their dad was doing. I felt useless. I couldn't do anything. He was still controlling me.

My IDVA helped me to understand that even after leaving a domestic abuse relationship, the domestic abuse does not always end as they can use the children to manipulate and maintain control over a victim

I was so exhausted and all of the stress was starting to have an impact on my work. After a few times of arriving late, my manager emailed me to say that this needed to be reviewed. I was really worried but my colleague advised me to speak directly to HR about what I was experiencing. HR, with support from my line manager, made a third party referral to Everyone's Business and their Independent Domestic Violence Advocate (IDVA) service.

My IDVA helped me to understand that even after leaving a domestic abuse relationship, the domestic abuse does not always end as they can use the children to manipulate and maintain control over a victim. Being aware of the trauma and possible impact on my children helped me to reach out for support. With the involvement of my IDVA, the school took my concerns for the children seriously. We were able to set up a meeting with the local social care officer and discuss my concerns and the impact my ex’s behaviour was having on my children.

Things are so much better now. We are working collaboratively with the social worker, school and IDVA to best support my children. I have been referred onto a parenting support scheme to learn about the impacts on children who are victims of domestic abuse. This is giving me better tools and methods to help my children manage their emotions, improve their coping skills and help rebuild their confidence.

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Hestia’s Everyone’s Business Programme supports employers to put in place a robust and well-rounded response to domestic abuse and sexual violence for employees, like Bethan.

Our team offers training, support with policy development, consultation, and bespoke tailored support packages for your employees from our expert team of domestic abuse and sexual violence specialists.

When employers take action and respond to #domesticabuse, we know it saves lives. It is vital that every employee is able to access specialist domestic abuse support.

Find out more about Everyone's Business or email us on [email protected]. 

Data sources: ONS, 2019; Vodafone Foundation, 2021; Home Office, 2019; Home Office, 2022.